Step #1 By reading the preceding Sections you have taken the first steps toward self-confident behavior to decrease your stress level. You have learned the differences among aggressive, passive, and self-confident behavior. Now it is time to begin practicing self-confidence skills. The following step-by-step approach to self-confidence training is based upon the book Your Perfect Right by Robert Alberti, Ph.D., and Michael Emmons, Ph.D.

Step #2 Planning Your Self-confidence
Now that you have reviewed what you are currently doing in the preceding Sections and have chosen to become more self-confident, it is time to decide how you might handle the situations better. A good way of finding a better method of coping with the situations is to observe someone who is handling it effectively. Write down three responses that might be more effective than ones you are currently using.

Step #3 Imagining Your Self-confidence
The next step is to use visual imagery to imagine better ways of handling the problem. Imagine yourself acting in a self-confident non-aggressive manner both verbally and nonverbally. Picture how the other person will react and your response. Envision a number of outcomes and how you can handle them. Review the information in Sections 7 and 8 to create this visualization. Write a brief description.

Step #4 Role-Playing Your Self-confidence
Rather than jumping from imagining your new behavior to trying it out in the “cruel world,” it is best to first role-play your self-confident solutions. Role-playing means taking the role of someone who is acting in a self-confident manner.
It is often helpful to use a mirror to check your nonverbal messages. Be sure that you are:
1. Facing the other person from a normal distance (too close is aggressive; too far is dishonestly passive)
2. Looking directly at the other person without staring (too intense is aggressive, too unfocused is dishonestly passive)
3. Keeping your head erect and body relaxed (too erect is aggressive, inappropriately over-relaxed is dishonestly passive)
4. Leaning toward the other person (too much of a lean towards is aggressive, leaning away is dishonestly passive)
5. Speaking distinctly and firmly, so as to be easily heard (speaking too distinctly and firmly is aggressive, intentionally speaking inaudibly and in a wishy-washy tone is dishonestly passive)
Warning: If you take any one of these five to an extreme and exaggerate them, you will rather quickly slide from appropriate self-confidence to hostile aggressiveness. I strongly suggest that you stand in front of a mirror and practice, for example, with the mirror acting the role of the other person, standing too close to the mirror, and note how it feels being aggressive. Then, step back from the mirror, and see how is feels to use this distance to be dishonestly passive.

In front of the mirror, try taking the role of yourself and then taking the role of the other person. Finally, try your role once again. Imagine and rehearse all the possible outcomes. When you role-play, be sure to use your relaxation techniques from Tracks 13 and 14 to calm yourself. This will also help you learn a relaxed, calm, and firm approach to self-confident communication. You may also want to practice your new skills with someone in your family or with a friend. Be sure to switch roles and practice both roles several times. If you choose to role-play with another staff member, be careful that this person does not “spill the beans” around the facility, how much you are rehearsing your conversation with the Administrator, Director of Nursing, or Ernie the exploding resident.

Step #5 Build your Confidence First
The next step is to choose a situation that is likely to bring good results and build up your confidence. Talk over your difficulty with members of your family or a close friend or a trusted staff member. Ask them to help you deal with your problem by encouraging you and by praising you when you report back about your attempts.

Is there another staff member, volunteer, or resident with whom I have a positive relationship and practicing self-confidence with them would be a more appropriate first step for me while I am developing these new skills?

To avoid the procrastination trap, how long should I practice my self-confidence skills with this “safe” person? Two or three encounters? One week? Two weeks? Three weeks? A month?

What skills do I need to practice with my “safe” person? And after all, they don’t have to know that you are practicing appropriate self-confidence to get rid of your dishonest-passiveness or over-aggression. You merely treat them self-confidently. No announcement to them is needed. As a matter of fact, if you do, then they may over-react to your interactions by being unnaturally kind or unnaturally aggressive. Refer to the preceding sections and select specific areas for change. Write them below.

Step #6 Then relax and approach the staff member with whom you wish to try your not dishonestly-passive and not aggressive, but… appropriately self-confident approach and response you outlined above.

Step #7 Afterward, if things did not go perfectly, do not be blind to your progress. Over-criticism may be merely your ploy to keep you stuck in old behaviors. If this seems to fit, read on. If not, you might skip this section.

1. Don’t play the martyr after the encounter that went less than perfectly. Stop your habit of saying to yourself, “Boy, did I mess up! I’m no good! Why try? It’s no use! I am hopeless and can never change!”
2. Well, good for you. You have just succeeded in badgering yourself to not take a risk again under the guise of the “Oh poor me!” self-talk martyrdom monologue. If this seems to fit you, read on. If not, skip to the end.
3. So, in one fell swoop, you get to wallow in self-pity, get to feel wonderfully victimized by possibly your awful childhood, which gives you a perfect excuse to chuck this Manual in the waste-paper basket, throw up your hands, and exclaim what a piece of trash this self-confidence is.
4. But guess what? You are still an Activity Director at this facility, and five minutes from now, waiting down the hall, is that same nemesis of a Department Head, Administrator, volunteer, and/or resident.
5. I guess you could always quit your job. But then how would you pay your electric bill? So here you are! Perhaps you may feel stuck in this Activity Director’s job with a person or a bunch of people that you have some interaction problems with, or maybe even can’t stand.
6. Here’s an idea! How about taking ownership for your behavior, if you feel you haven’t done so. Perhaps you need to stop playing the “Oh, poor me! I had bad parents!" litany over and over again.
7. Say to yourself, “This stops now! I can change! I need to change. I will change. I need to stop blaming others for my unhappiness. I will reread the previous Sections, and with new honesty increase my awareness of how I am dishonestly and overly passive, and subtly or not-so-subtly aggressive!
8. I will become a professionally appropriately self-confident… not Activity Director, but a true Activity Professional. I can and will do this, because these concepts are core to my happiness.”
9. You have the information. It is presented to you in a clear, understandable, concrete manner.

The choice is yours. Treat this Manual like any other self-help “gee that sounds nice” piece of rubbish to which you give lip service, but take no action! Or make this Manual a springboard for decreasing stress for changing your life. The choice is yours. It is my sincerest hope that the preceding nine points have jarred you out of complacency and into action. Reread them and this Manual often. Make it your Bible to de-stress your job. If the materials don't resonate with you, go to a bookstore, find the self-help section, and see where your energy guides you. No time to read? Buy books on tape. But just don't read or listen, thinking you are improving. You need to CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR.

If your encounter with your Administrator, DON, or exploder did not go as well as you had planned, reward yourself for the parts where you did act self-confidently. Focus on what you did well, rather than what you did poorly or not exactly perfectly. Remember, no one succeeds all the time. Just be sure to learn from your “mistakes” and then
1. practice more effective behaviors in your imagination
2. practice more effective behaviors your role-playing
3. practice more effective behaviors your daily life.
It will take a good deal of practice before you can perform these behaviors naturally and automatically.
What did you do well?

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