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Section 22
Eliminating Passive-Dishonest Behavior that Creates Stress

Table of Contents
| NCCAP/NCTRC CE Booklet

Sometimes we fail to draw lines, set limits, speak up, or say no to other staff and Department Heads that make demands in our lives.   Do you agree that failure to set limits can be extremely stressful?

Your difficulty to draw lines, set limits, speak up, or say no can lead to
procrastination, suffering in silence, half-heartedness, sloppiness, forgetfulness, etc.
The above are ways you actually are saying, "No!" but in an unconscious or dishonest way.

If you cannot refuse the requests of other staff or residents, you may live your life according to these other people’s priorities rather than your own.

“If you fail to assert yourself, you can stockpile anger and find yourself mentally and physically drained at the end of the day.” Mentally rate yourself related to how true this statement was of you today at the facility?  This week at the facility?  This month at the facility?  Pick one.  Does the preceding describe you…
never         rarely        sometimes        on a regular basis          often        most of the time?

Bullied?
Sometimes you may feel that the only way to get your needs met and keep from being pushed around, so to speak, is to fight for your rights. When you feel bullied or anticipate that you will be bullied, you may try to bully others.  You may be thinking right now, "Me?  A bully?  Certainly not!  I am a sweet kind loving person!"  Reread the statement in the box above.  When is the last time you used: procrastination, suffering in silence, half-heartedness, sloppiness, forgetfulness, as a way of pushing back against being bullied by another staff member?   Hmmm, never thought of it that way huh?   Self-honesty is uncomfortable at times.  But it is a way to defeat Activity Director stress.

If you are in a push-pull situation with another in the facility, you may then find yourself in a continuous and des­perate struggle with a lion’s share of stress from anger, guilt, and feeling alone and unsupported by other staff and Departments. In living and communicating with others, we behave in many ways. It is helpful to look at, and own, your reactions to other Department Heads, staff, and volunteers.  You have a choice when you feel bullied.  You can be self-confident, ag­gressive, or passive. What do I mean by these words?  You know what the words mean.  But let's review to make sure my definition matches yours.

Dishonestly  or Overly Passive Behavior
Dishonestly or overly passive behavior means giving up your rights by not expressing your honest feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. It often involves permitting others to walk all over you. It can also mean expressing yourself in such an apologetic way that you are overlooked.  You behave passively when you do what you are told or asked to do, regardless of how you feel about it. When you act passively, you often feel helpless, anxious, resentful, disappointed, and angry with yourself and others. The goal of passivity is usually to please others and to avoid conflict or rejection.

Every one has to "eat crow" every once in a while.  It's just the amount of "crow" that you have to eat and the dishonest procrastination, suffering in silence, half-heartedness, sloppiness, forgetfulness, etc. as a way of pushing back that you have done that make the difference.  How often is you passive response followed by one of the preceding "I'll get you back!" passive aggressive responses?
never         rarely        sometimes        on a regular basis          often        most of the time?

 

 Write a few words that recall a situation in the facility which you were passive and wish you would not have been.

 

Aggressive Behavior
Oftentimes, people confuse self-confidence with aggressiveness.  However, when you are aggressive, you stand up for your personal rights and express your thoughts and feelings. But you do this in dishonest ways, which usually are not helpful and almost always step on the personal rights of others. Examples of aggressive behaviors are blaming, threatening, and fighting. When you are aggressive, you usually feel angry, frustrated, and/or self-righteous. You probably often feel bitter, guilty, or lonely afterward. The usual goals of aggressive behaviors are to dominate, protect, win, humiliate, and force other people to lose.

We are all human.  We all have blown our cool at one time or another.  Write a few words that recall a situation in the facility in which you were aggressive and wish you would not have been.


 

You may now ask, "So if being too passive is bad and, of course, aggressive behavior eventually will get me fired, what is left?"  Obviously… self-confident behavior.  I know you know what self-confident is.  But here is my definition.  See how it compares with all of the other self-help books and articles and Dr. Phil shows you have watched.

Self-confident but not Aggressive Behavior
Oftentimes, people confuse self-confidence with aggressiveness.  However, self-confident behavior means standing up for your personal rights and expressing your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in direct, honest, and helpful ways, which do not violate the rights of others. Self-confidence means respecting yourself, expressing your needs, and defending your rights. It also means respecting the needs, feelings, and rights of other people.
When we are self-confident, we usually feel better about ourselves.

Self-confidence does not guarantee win­ning,
but it does increase the chances of a good compromise or a better result without making others angry.

The first step in learning self-confidence is learning to recognize pas­sive, self-confident, and aggressive behavior in yourself. Let's examine your verbal and nonverbal behaviors.

Verbal Behaviors
Passive:
1. You avoid saying what you want, think, or feel. If you do, you speak in such a way that you put yourself down.
2. Use apologetic words with hidden meaning, a smoke screen of vague words, or silence are used frequently.
Examples are “You know,” “Well,” “I mean,” “I guess,” and “I’m sorry.”
3. You allow others to choose for you.
Here's a Self honesty check for you.  When is the last time…
---You used apologetic words with hidden meanings
            A. You apologized but didn't mean it.
            B.  You used your "fake" apology as a vehicle to manipulate the other staff member(s) involved.
Describe a situation below.

---You used a smoke screen of vague words
You seemingly explained to your Consultant why the Progress Notes were not kept up to date, but intentionally gave her a bunch of double talk.  By "double talk" I mean you created a smoke screen to distract her.
            A. You "cleverly" interjected so many irrelevant facts and details she had a hard time following what you                           were saying.
            B.  You changed the topic.  (Wow you fooled her that time!  But how long can you keep being a fake?  No                       fun in the long run huh?  Wow!  Talk about stress!  Now all you have to do is sweat it out until her                        next visit to your facility!)

Describe a situation in which your verbal behavior was dishonestly passive.

 

Aggressive:
1. You say what you want, think, and feel, but at the expense of others.
2. You use loaded words.
3. You use “you” statements that label or blame others.
4. You employ threats or accusations and one-upmanship. You choose for others.

Describe a situation in which your verbal behavior was aggressive.

 

I think the above gives you a clear idea of the difference between passive, self-confident, and aggressive verbal behavior.  Let's look at these three related to nonverbal behaviors.

Self-confident but not Aggressive:
1. You say what you honestly want, think, and feel in direct and helpful ways.
2. You make your own choices.
3. You communicate with tact and humor.
4. You use “I” statements.
5. Your words are clear and objective.
6.  Your words are few and well chosen.
Sounds a lot better than the above examples of Passive and Aggressive behavior doesn't it?

Describe a situation in which you verbal behavior was successfully self-confident.

 

Nonverbal Behaviors
Dishonestly Passive: Check the ones that apply to you.  
1. You use actions instead of words and hope someone will guess what you want.
In an effort to manipulate the outcome…
2. You intentionally look as though you don’t mean what you say.
3. Your voice is intentionally weak, hesitant, and soft or you whisper or speak in a monotone
4. You averted or downcast your eyes in a "poor me" 'phony' humble stance.
5.  You nod to almost anything the other staff member or Department Head says.
6. You sit or stand far away from the other person.
7. You intentionally look uncomfortable, shuffle, and intentionally look tense or inhibited.
Think about how you felt afterwards. 
---Gee am I clever?  
---Self righteous?  I'll get you!  You deserve this!
---Like a silent victor knowing you really won even though the other thought he or she did?
But deep down you probably feel kind of crumby inside.  And "feeling crumby" leads to feeling stressed.

Aggressive:
1. You make an exaggerated show of strength.
2. You are flippant.
3. You have an air of superiority.
4. Your voice is tense, loud, cold, or demanding.
5. You are deadly quiet.
6. Your eyes are narrow, cold, and staring.
7. You act as if you could almost see through the other person.
8. You take a macho fight stance.
9. Your hands are on your hips.
10. You are inches from the other person.
11. Your hands are in fists, or your finger is pointed at the other person.
12. You are tense and appear angry.

Chances are if you continue exhibiting these behaviors on a regular basis, you will rather quickly no longer be employed as an Activity Director.  Agree?   But maybe you are clever enough and have learned just what the limit of others is so you can keep pushing with out getting fired. 

Write a few words reminding you of situation in which you practiced one of these aggressive behaviors.

 

Self-confident but not Aggressive:
1. You listen closely.
2. Your manner is calm and assured.
3. You communicate caring and strength.
4. Your voice is firm, warm, and expressive.
5. You look directly at the other person, but you don’t stare.
6. You face the person.
7. Your hands are relaxed.
8. You hold your head erect, and you lean toward the other person.
9. You have a relaxed expression.
Envision this in your mind. 

Write a few words reminding you of situation in which you practiced one of these self-confidence skills.

 

That memory of you acting self-confidently is what you want to think about;
hold in your conscious awareness and recall numerous time during the day today at work!!!

Goals
Let's look at these three as they relate to your goals in a relationship with another staff member.
Dishonestly Passive Goal: To please, to be liked.
Aggressive Goal: To dominate or humiliate.
Self-confident but not Aggressive Goal: To communicate, to be respected.
You may say, “Well of course I am going to want to please my Administrator or Corporate Consultant.  After all he or she hired me.”   But note above I stated "dishonestly" passive.  In other words no one wants to be fired from a job they want to keep.  But are you saying to your Administrator, "Yes I will conduct group activities seven days a week in the lounge."  However, you know by agreeing to this that the majority of you Low Functioning and Alzheimer's residents will not be provided with an activity program on a regular basis!  When the CMS Surveyors come in you will hope they will not notice your lack of one-to-one programming which is reflected in these residents’ Attendance Records, Progress Notes, and Care Plans.  Also, there may be a reflection of your weekly allocation of programming time to a disproportionate number of group activities which is clearly depicted on your posted calendar.

Feelings
Let's look at these three as they relate to your feelings in a relationship with another staff member.
Overly Passive: You feel anxious, ignored, hurt, manipulated, and disappointed with yourself. You are often angry and resentful later.
Self-confident but not Aggressive: You feel confident and successful. You feel good about yourself at that time, and later. You feel in control, you have self-respect, and you are goal-oriented.
Aggressive:You feel self-righteous, controlling, and superior. Sometimes you feel embarrassed or selfish later.

Probable Outcomes
Let's look at these three as they relate to probable outcomes in a relationship with another staff member.
Dishonestly Passive:
1. You don’t get what you want.
2. If you do get your own way, it is by indirect means.
3. You feel emotionally dishonest. Others achieve their goals at your expense.
4. Your rights are violated.
5. Your anger builds up, and you either push it down or redirect it toward other people who are less powerful.
6. You may find yourself procrastinating, suffering in silence, doing things half-heartedly, being sloppy, or becoming forgetful.
7. Others manipulate you.
8. Loneliness and isolation may become common in your life at work and you may feel like it is Activities against the rest of the Departments.

Self-confident but not Aggressive:
1. You often get what you want if it is reasonable.
2. You often achieve your goals. You gain self-respect. You feel good.
3. You convert win-lose situations to win-win ones.
4. The outcome is determined by aboveboard negotiations.
5. Your rights and others’ rights are respected.

Aggressive:
1. You often get what you want, but at the expense of others.
2. You hurt others by making choices for them and infantilizing them.
3. Others feel they have a right to get even. You may have increasing difficulty with relaxing and unwinding later.


NCCAP/NCTRC CE Booklet
Forward to Section 23
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