To be an Activity Director in a long term care facility you need to consider yourself a care-giver to a lesser or a greater extent. True, the level to which you label yourself a "care-giver" varies from Activity Director to Activity Director. By "care-giver" I mean you view yourself as a sensitive, lively person who reaches out to others and touches them. Unfortunately taken to an extreme care-giving can be a life trap that breeds stress. Do you agree? The following is part of the “Hooked on Helping” stress addiction process:
1. We care-givers are admirable people. We usually have our antennae turned outwards toward others and whenever we pick up signals of need, we are prompted to respond, to reach out.
2. Care-giving is extremely fulfilling, It’s rewarding to be sensitive, warm, loving and involved in others’ lives. It also feels wonderful to be recognized as a special, caring, loving person.
3. In fact, helping feels so satisfying that it’s possible to get hooked on the experience, becoming addicted to the payoffs of putting others’ needs first. However, the admirable quality of caring for others also bears the risk of shortchanging ourselves.
4. Hooked Activity Directors know how to turn their compassion faucet “on” so their love flows out, but some have forgotten how to turn the faucet “off.” Activity Directors addicted to care-giving can be particularly vulnerable to stress exhaustion.

How do you get hooked on helping? You may get hooked by our beliefs and life experience, starting at an early age. Many Activity Directors come from families where caring for others was rewarded and “selfishness” was discouraged. Even though fulfilling all the family’s wishes and demands would be impossible, as a “helper” child, you may have believed that you had the responsibility to take care of everyone else, regardless of your own feelings. Your beliefs keep you hooked on helping well into adulthood.
Describe a time in your childhood when you would label yourself as a "helper" child.

Examining the Care-Giver in You
Think of a person whom you would consider a model of caring and helpfulness — a helpful hero or heroine, if you will. This person may be dead or alive, known to you personally or only by reputation. Write down this person’s name.

Think about this person in more detail now. What is she like? How is she helpful? What are her qualities of caring that you admire most? Write them down.

How are you like that person? Or in what ways would you like to emulate that person? Make note of these similarities and desired qualities.

Think back to your earliest memories and make a note of the first time you can recall being “helpful.” Perhaps it was when you washed the dishes for your mother, or defended a sibling, or assisted your first grade teacher. Write down a few details about your first recollection of being “helpful.”

As you consider that early occasion, what were the qualities of helpfulness that you demonstrated in that instance? (eg, did work, gave encouragement, came to someone’s defense, listened carefully, etc).

Think about yourself as a caring, helpful person. When you’re at your very best— what is it that you give to others?

Think back to the time when you started your job as an Activity Director. What grand visions of caring and helping did you carry into your job when you started? (These dreams and visions may or may not be very emotion-charged. However, if you are particularly honest, they can be kind of sensitive issues you usually don’t talk or think much about now.) Write these visions down with all the excitement and grandiosity that you can recall feeling when you were fresh and idealistic.

The ultimate helper’s fantasy goes something like this: “I can
(a) work a miracle...
(b) in a hopeless situation...
(c) because I care so much.”
Few people ever really say this out loud, but many Activity Directors recognize the fantasy. There are, of course, countless variations, such as:
* Helping a resident whom no one else could help — by giving time or love...
* Single-handedly changing a bureaucratic system and being appreciated for it...
* Hoping you could take away someone’s pain, by caring so much...

Write some detailed notes on your fantasy about how you thought you could (a) work a miracle, (b) in a hopeless situation, (c) because you care so much.

Look over your answer and notice the variety of caring characteristics you’ve identified.

Then write a paragraph describing yourself as if you possess every single caring quality you’ve identified (including those of your helpful hero/heroine). Don’t hedge by saying you’re only this way some of the time. Write the paragraph as if you are all of these fine qualities all of the time. For example, you might write: “I am sensitive, and when others are hurting I always listen and give them all the time that they need. I am loyal and trustworthy. People can depend on me to come through when they need me. . . etc. . . etc...

Next, take the “Hooked on Helping” Addiction Test. Answer each of the seven question yes or no. Choose the answer that’s most accurate for you right now.
Yes    No   1. I will almost always listen to others who need emotional support, but I seldom ask anyone to pay                              attention to my emotional needs.
Yes    No   2. When someone helps me I usually make sure I do as much or more to help them in return.
Yes    No   3. When I don’t respond to someone else’s needs, I often feel selfish.
Yes    No   4. I try hard not to hurt other people’s feelings.
Yes    No   5. Once I say “yes” people can count on me to get the job done, even if it costs me personally.
Yes    No   6. I avoid conflict whenever possible.
Yes    No   7. I tend to get myself in over my head by saying “yes” too much, too often.

Total your ‘yes’ responses. Where do you fit on this scale?
0-1 = Not Addicted: People in this category may very well be excellent care-givers—but they have also learned how to include themselves on their care list!
2-4 = Borderline Addiction: The process of care-giving will at times exhaust these folks to the point where they feel they “have no more to give.” They will probably experience resulting symptoms of distress.

5-7 = Addicted Care-Givers: The unrestrained attempt to care for everyone all of the time leaves these people burned out and exhausted most of the time. These folks are trapped. Not knowing how to say “no” to others’ needs, their only self-protection is to hide from others so they won’t notice others’ needs!

The Three Helping Addicts
If you’re addicted to helping, are you one of these three individuals?
The Super Helper: “I must be everything to everyone! I must be able to help everyone! I don’t have the limits of normal people!”
Write a counter argument to reduce guilt and stress:

The Empty Pot: “I must always try to help someone if I’m asked! Even though I feel empty, I can always find more to give! I must never be ‘out to lunch’!”
Write a counter argument to reduce guilt and stress:

The ‘You-First-er’: “My needs aren’t so important as yours! It’s selfish to take care of myself! I’ll get my needs met by helping you!”
Write a counter argument to reduce guilt and stress:

Unraveling the Trap of Addiction
Here are some thoughts to keep in mind as you try to break your addiction to helping:
• Major source of stress! Don’t give up the dream of being a care-giver. It is this very dream that energizes you to reach out to others. Just don’t expect to turn your dream into reality 100% of the time, or you’ll soon become frustrated, down on yourself and emotionally exhausted.
• Keep others on your care-giving list, but learn to put your own name on the list as well. “Love your neighbor as yourself.” If you don’t care for yourself — God help your neighbor! Neither of you will be cared for!
• Cultivate self-confidence skills. See previous self-confidence sections. Saying “no” when you need to say “no” and “yes” when you need to say “yes,” and knowing the difference between the two, is essential to recovery.
• If you’re in a real pinch and you don’t want to respond to someone else’s need, admit that you’re a member of “Helper’s Anonymous.” Say, “I’d like to — but you see, I’m a recovering care-giver and I’m not allowed to right now!”
- Based upon Tubesing EdD, Nancy Loving and Donald A Tubesing PhD; “Structured Exercises in Stress Management: Volume 2”; Whole Person Press: Wisconsin; 1988

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